Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit