Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

decorating my apartment

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

A male goth is called a broth.

🍞🦆

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”