Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

People buying plungers never look happy.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜