The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
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Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
🐕🍷
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
#parenting
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…