Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

Things will get butter, keep churning

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

water it, i dare you

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.