Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

Good advice.

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

don’t we all

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.