The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I didn’t realize that was an option
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying