The sacred texts.
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My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
ew if literal: let me be clear
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Drive as I say, not as I drive.