The sacred texts.
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If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”