the saddest jazz hands ever
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”