the saddest jazz hands ever
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.