the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
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Wow 🤣
when dads have a rap battle
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green