the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
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Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
How times have changed.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”