Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

Is this the real life?
Is this just

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.