The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
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I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.