Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

I don’t believe him.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks