Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.