The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
is this a warning or an offer?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”