The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
i feel so bad i refunded him
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
