The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
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Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
How to find Kentucky on a map
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No chill.