The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird