The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
britain’s three elite institutions
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.