The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!