The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.