The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
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at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
What legos do when we’re not looking.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
How to make infinite energy.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
When news reporters do sports stories
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.