The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
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Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life