The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
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One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
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HEYYYY MACARENA
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle