@markhoppus

The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.

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@heart_brecher

My mom is the cutest. I just called her and she said she didn’t sleep so great last night.

Asked her why.

“Well, I have this pineapple, and I kept thinking about how I’m gonna cut it.”

@LosLos__

I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.

@Cheeseboy22

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

@djdavemichaels

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

@daddydoubts

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

@alexivenegas_

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

@brandynwiththey

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

@jake_likes_naps

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

@Boywhiz88

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

@wolfpupy

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.