My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
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Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Hmm, not sure about this change
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap