@markhoppus

The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.

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@Cpin42

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

@OakHill_

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

@shatterpants

You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.

@gerryhallcomedy

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

@LeBearGirdle

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

@FreddieCampion

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

@samalmightysam

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

@justokpanda

Nobody:

Me: *dramatic deep sigh*

Nobody:

Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]

@Parkerlawyer

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

@sarahclazarus

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes