@Cpin42
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
@markhoppus
The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.
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@Cpin42
@OakHill_
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
@shatterpants
You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.
@gerryhallcomedy
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
@LeBearGirdle
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
@FreddieCampion
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
@samalmightysam
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
@justokpanda
Nobody:
Me: *dramatic deep sigh*
Nobody:
Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud
Nobody: [purrs]
@Parkerlawyer
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
@sarahclazarus
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes