The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.

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My mom is the cutest. I just called her and she said she didn’t sleep so great last night.

Asked her why.

“Well, I have this pineapple, and I kept thinking about how I’m gonna cut it.”


I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.


I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.


Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?


Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.


Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺


My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.


*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*


Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough


if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.