The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.

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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home


There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!


Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.


Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school


Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense


*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*


[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too


Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…