Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
You Might Also Like
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.