The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
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me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Oh deer
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then