The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
more water
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm