The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
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*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.