Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Easy enough.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆