The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
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She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
#Caturday
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.