The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
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Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
