The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Every work meeting this week
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Thursday Thought.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.