The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Raisins are grape jerky.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
mom gave me mine for free
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?