The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
#polloftheday
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.