God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
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#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right