Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

12653.

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

Thaw me like one of your french fries

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after