The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
You Might Also Like
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
How dude HOW?!
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.