Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

#Caturday

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice