Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

I’m not average. I’m mean.

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

This did not end as expected.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.