Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE