the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.