Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.