Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

had to share :’)

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

long lost

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?