[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
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Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
brian had himself a morning…
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.