[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”![]()
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Plumber: I think I found the problem
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You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
This makes total sense…
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.