Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

sign of the times 🖊

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!