The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago