The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine