The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.