The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Why is no one talking about this?!
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula