The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.