The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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😂 amazing answer
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I know this now 😂
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.