The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
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Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My boss called in sick of me
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court