The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
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If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
🤣🤣🤣
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.