The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
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A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream