Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right