The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
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what is cheese if not milk persevering
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Ummm
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.