The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
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No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.