Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.