Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

oh shit

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.