The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
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Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
😂😂
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?