The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
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My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.