The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
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I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
It’s been a terrible year for burglars