The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
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Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.