Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

i could never be president. im overqualified.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*