The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
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Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Bike for sale
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.