The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
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My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet